For me, it's important to be physically attracted, at least somewhat. But in my opinion, if I get to know someone & like the personality they have, or am attracted to the way that they carry themselves, they become more physically attractive to me over time, regardless of my initial impression. I have a friend that, when I first met him, appeared to be the goofiest lookin somebody I had ever met....but the more I got to know him & like him, the more adorable he became in my eyes. I did end up dating him for a while.

So, to me, good looks are a plus but are not imperative. It doesn't matter to me if everyone else thinks the person I am with is aesthetically pleasing, so long as they treat me right & we have a good relationship. That's all I really want.

I am lucky enough to say that I am in a wonderful relationship with an amazing guy (who, btw, many people have told me is not attractive, but I think he's quite a lot of fun to look at) who loves me & is better to me than anyone else has ever been. I treat him well & love him unconditionally, & he does the same for me.

Life is good.

I keep thinking how I don’t wanna take for granted any time I have with Matt. But then I find the time going so quickly that I realize too late I haven’t appreciated it.

Last night he had his final going away party, at a hotel. So many things went wrong. A chair busted all to hell, they dropped the TV putting it back, after removing it from the dresser to use that as a beer pong table, a mirror fell & knocked a lamp off the wall, and basically damn near everyone was a drunken mess by the end of the night. This includes both Matt & his brother Wesley, who was EXTREMELY friendly after a few drinks. He even had Andy thinkin he was tryin to get with me, because he laid there with his head on my leg talkin to me about everything under the sun for quite some time. It was nice to see him open up, actually, since he is usually so reserved. Matt told Andy he know he had nothing to worry about, and he was definitely right.

Anyway, I just keep thinkin about Matt having to leave, and hoping he doesn’t change his mind while he is gone. He has made so many things better for me, and he makes me happier than I’ve ever been.

I wonder if he feels the same?

Today is Tuesday, January 11, 2011. Matt was supposed to leave yesterday, but due to a pending court case dealing with his neighbor assaulting him, we have court (I’m a witness) on the 18th and he is not leaving til the 24th.

I’m glad he hasn’t left yet, especially since I’ve been sick and didn’t see him for like 5 days last week. I hope I get to see him today…I wanna spend all the time I can with him til he leaves. I found out I will definitely not be allowed to see him at all while he’s away, so I’m getting all the time in now that I can.

Not sure if I mentioned before exactly what is goin on. Matt will be leaving for 10 months, instead of the 5 I originally expected. He will be spending the first 5 months in Southampton Detention Center in Capron, Va and the last 5 in a diversion program in Stafford, Va, which is apparently somewhere near Fredricksburg. That’s not so bad, only about 3 hours away…not that it matters since I won’t be allowed to visit.

People keep asking me what I’m gonna do when he’s gone. I hate the question…and the only answer I can give is that I’m gonna wait for him to come home. Hopefully I will have a job soon…as soon as they start hiring at the law office in Murfreesboro, they are supposed to call me since I am apparently first on their list. That will be nice, if I get it. Steady hours, good pay, not far from home, and hopefully I can start saving to get my own place.

Which reminds me, I finally finished the AC units that Matt and I have been trying to find time to break down for the past month. All that’s left to do now is load it all up on the trailer according to the type of metal and haul it off. We are also taking the focus to be junked as well, which should be a good couple hundred dollars by itself. Dad said I should get at least a few hundred for the AC units as well, so that will be nice. I’m giving Matt a share of that money, since he did a good amount of the work on them.

Matt had a going-away party on Friday the 7th. Almost nobody showed up. It ended up being him, me, Frank & Bubba (it was their house), Joe, Dick, Ashley, Bridgette (Ashley’s friend), Justin Hale, Blake Branscombe…and I think that’s it. I surprised him by bringing a water bottle full of moonshine that I found out later that Pop made in 1977. 200 proof. It knocked him on his ass after about 2 swigs. Since he had bought 2 half-gallons of vodka and ended up drinking less than half of one bottle, he had quite a bit extra and is gonna throw another party before he leaves. I’m gonna hate it when he goes.

I have to go take a shower…and try not to think about how much this year is gonna suck.

Matthew Jonmikal Twine has my heart. I hope he doesn’t change his mind about me while he’s gone.

It's been a lil bit since I posted. Not too much has changed, I didn't get the job, nor have I landed anything else I've applied for. I am not sure why, but people just don't wanna hire me.
And I HAVE to find something SOON. Mom says I have to be out by the end of January.
I want to leave, I have no problem with that, I just can't afford it.

I wrecked the focus and damn near drained my bank account to buy a 2000 Nissan Sentra, which is unfortunately a POS. If I hadn't really needed something right away, I wouldn't have wasted the money on it. I still have time on the warranty, but never have time in the day to go get it worked on. Nor do I have money for gas. Its on fumes now and I still have to get to school tonight.

Basically, life still sucks. But at least Matt and I are still goin strong at this point. It's been a little over 3 months. I can see sometimes why he never could keep a gf...he does have a mean streak. But, for the most part, he's a sweetie in disguise. He still sends random texts sayin he loves and misses me, and almost always wants to spend time with me. He even said he will be happy when I'm done with classes next week cuz then I can see him on Mondays.

I still struggle with the way I feel about Colby. I feel like I am doin better about not wanting to see him, but I guess it's a long process. I met the girl he is "talking" to and I DESPISE the fact that she is so much like Shelby. Not my business I guess, but I know he can do better than that. She's not even pretty. Not like I can talk, I know I'm no prize...but I want so much for him. He deserves the very best and she is DEFINITELY not it. Oh well...when her selfish and self-centered ways get the best of him, maybe he will learn.

Anywho....I've been tryin to work out again. I need to lose like 10 lbs to get back to where I was. Hopefully I can get there.

I need to clean, take a shower and study before Sociology tonight.

So, I was completely freaking out for nothing the other day. His phone messed up, that's why it looked like it was off. He FINALLY texted me late in the afternoon that day, off his brother's phone. He had been with Wesley all day but for some reason didn't think to use his phone til late.

No worries now, everything is great. His ex keeps talkin to him which is getting just a little bit annoying, but she seems nice and I'm not really worried about it. I know I have him and I'm confident that I have no competition, it's just that she randomly started blowin up his phone and his Facebook. She isn't doin it as much now, I don't think...he said she was gonna stop I believe. Anyway, it's not an issue, just an annoyance.

On the job front...Shannon said on Thursday that they had not hired anyone else yet so it still looks good for me. I wish I knew what was taking so long though! Oh well, I guess I can't complain. I should look elsewhere as well, I definitely need a real job.

Been thinkin a lot about so many things that I can't even explain. The past haunts me constantly...I wish I could find a way to just let go.

On a lighter note, Matt is wonderful. He sends me random texts (I lent him my old LG EnV so he would have a phone to talk to me with) sayin he loves me or misses me, he rubs my feet if they hurt, and always finds a way to reassure my belief that I am a very lucky little girl. Even the things he does that are more on the rough side are amazing. He doesn't always have to be sweet, and I love that about him. He has so many facets, and they all add up to one extraordinary person. He makes my world go round.

I put a picture of us up as my Facebook profile picture, and Dawn said we are a match made in heaven because although we both smile a lot in person, neither of us likes to smile in pictures. I told her I sure hope we are cuz I couldn't handle another Colby incident. She said I'm young and tough and can handle more than I give myself credit for, but she hoped there were no more Colby incidents. I hope not too.

Anyway, Conner needs a diaper change, so I better go. Not that anyone reads this, but y'all have a great day!

Much Love,
~*Mandi*~

ok, so....the convo I had with Colby last night is scaring me now. I mean, I didn't mean anything by it, but I told him I missed hangin out with him, and that I was happy he was doin better for himself.

However, I have a sneaking suspicion that Matt was with him...and he may have taken what I said as me comin on to to Colby, which I wasn't. I do miss hangin out with him, and I do wanna talk to him, but not on anything more than a friend level. And now, it's after 12 and I haven't heard from Matt, who's phone is off apparently cuz my texts arent going through. I'm scared he was with him, took it the wrong way, and is now avoiding me.

I hope I'm wrong. I really, really, REALLY hope I'm wrong. But shit like this always happens and it didn't make sense that Colby randomly started texting me last night, on the night that Matt hung out with Andy. And Matt never told me he was home, he said he was playin a game...he didn't mention where so I assumed he was at home. damn it.

Please God, let everything be ok. I can't handle losing him too, over a misunderstanding no less.

Please don't make me lose him.

Interesting stuff....

Talked to JT online for a while last night, during which I got a text from Colby, of all people. Talk about RANDOM. idk what he wanted, he never said. It wasn't a booty call this time though, of that I'm sure. So cool, at least he will text me now just as a friend.

I miss Matt. I wish I had a working vehicle so I could see him today. Conner is not gonna be here, I don't think, so if I had a car I'd be able to drive and see Matt. I'm happy too that Matt got to hang out with Andy yesterday. He hardly ever sees most of his friends anymore, and I don't think that's good. I want him to have a healthy social life like he did before I came into the picture. Yes, it's nice to be included, but it's good for him to spend some time without me, ya know? Not that I do much without him, but then I don't have many people banging down my door to see me either. ChrissAnne and that group, maybe, but that's about it.

I hate sitting at home all the time...if Matt could be here it would be ok, but sitting here with no adults to talk to and havin to deal with kids do don't listen is driving me nuts. Maybe I will hear about that job soon. I hope so. How long does it take to do a background check, anyway?

Meh. whatever. I'ma go drink some coffee to try to improve my mood. <3 MJT!

Much Love,
~*Mandi*~

This weekend was ridiculous. Still no word about the job.

Apparently, jacked up trucks with bigger tires have speedometers that are not correct, so I found out when I got a ticket on 58, heading to my sister's. Luckily, it wasn't a moving violation, just improper equipment...so yay.

Also, apparently that truck has a messed up battery or alternator, or something...maybe both. I now have no vehicle to get to school tonight.

Nathan asked Matt to help him with the DJ equipment this weekend, so we went and did that...Matt and Erin pretty much slept the whole time we were there. So much fun.

On the upside, I got a phone call that made me feel REALLY good about myself. ChrissAnne called, askin where I was...and then Corey got on the phone and told me I shoulda been there, and even Bridgette wanted to talk to me and tell me I need to hang out with them. It was nice to feel like people wanted me around...cuz I figure they had to have been talkin about it to get the notion to call me and have 3 different people talk. It was sweet, and for someone like me who always feels like they are buggin people by bein around, much needed. They are great people and I don't wanna disappear from them. I told ChrissAnne yesterday that sometimes I'll leave Matt in Courtland and go see her by myself, whenever I get my car runnin again.

I talked to Tracy DeWald (Colby's stepmom) on FB Chat the other day...she wanted me to help her put a video on Colby's page, so I did. I asked her how everyone was doin, and told her I miss them. She said they miss me too and that everyone is doin ok. We talked about Colby for a few minutes...she said she knows I still have a place in his heart. It sure doesn't seem like it. Not that it matters I guess. I'm just glad he is doin better and finally seeming to get his life straight. I want nothing but the very best for him.

On that note, I have to say how absolutely amazing Matt is. He constantly shows me why I am a lucky, lucky girl. Even on my worst days he wants to be there. We never have drama between us, and even tho we don't always agree on things, he always knows how to lighten the mood. He has such a good heart...most people wouldn't believe that, but it really is true.

I see all this crap on FB about all these couples having all these problems...one's sayin or doin somethin stupid and startin drama. I'll never understand it...why bother if all you're gonna do is fight? I'm so glad it's not like that with us. In fact, I have changed a lot...I'm way more open with him than I ever was with anyone else. Colby and Andy said I was controlling, when I know I wasn't. Matt will NEVER have a reason to think I am.

Anyway, it's about time for Conner's nap...almost. Need to get him ready to lay down..and Cam JUST got up. Should be interesting. Wish me luck.

Much Love,
~*Mandi*~

Things right now are good.

Shannon Moore called me and said they needed somebody in the kitchen at the Hilton...so she set up an interview for me. It went well, he seemed to like me I guess, and he said they have to do a background check and interview a couple of other people before making a final decision. Shannon said that if they are spending the money to do a check, I am definitely a front runner. So, yay for that. It won't be much right now, a couple of days a week. But hey, that is way better than no job at all!! Plus I'd still have Conner on days when I am not working, so I still would be getting money for that. If this works out I may actually have money for Christmas present!! I already know what I want to get Matt. I need to save money to travel tho, I WILL see Declan on his birthday this year, even if it kills me!!!


My car crapped out on me...the sway bar broke and rubbed a ring around the inside of my tire, eventually popping a hole in it.I had no idea that it was messed up. yeah. so its on a maypop right now and I can't drive it. Been drving Dad's F150...and let me tell you, every penny I have goes into gas for that big green monster. $50 to fill it up and it wasn't even empty. Half of that will fill my car up when it's running on fumes. And that's the total of my money for the week, so yeah.

By the way, anyone who has never listened to Escape the Fate, needs to do so ASAP. Their new and old stuff, cuz they had a different lead vocalist at first. Right now I have my YouTube "Random Favorites" playlist on shuffle...it's mostly ETF! lol I was listening to Christina Perri at first, as is evident from the title of this post. After that, Break by Three Days Grace came on, and now ETF - Situations. Can I just say that Ronnie Radke is the shit? lol I mean I love Craig Mabbitt too. I don't have a preference but shewwww, hello good lookin!

Speakin of good lookin...GREY JONES! hott, Hott, HOTT! too bad he's so young...that's one sexy mofo.

yeah, I'm gettin random. that's the coffee talkin. as I said on my twitter and FB today, "Ahh, coffee...improving moods and reducing bitchiness and domestic violence since....well...whenever it was discovered!" haha. I'm a tard. OOH, Mayday Parade!!

I keep stopping to rock out. LOL.

Aight, let me shut up...hope y'all have a great day. Not that anybody reads this anyway, but just in case....

MUCH LOVE!
~*Mandi*~

Well, it has been almost 6 months and almost nothing is as it was then. It has been a roller coaster from HELL...

Colby dumped me on April 24th. To say he broke my heart would be the understatement of the century. I still mean everything I said, thought, or felt about him.

Nana died on April 28th. The family has changed radically and I don't know if it will ever be the same again. I miss her more every day.

He pushed me into dating Andy, which only lasted about a month and a half because Andy decided I wasn't worth his time anymore.

I still hang out with both of them on VERY rare occasions. Colby has gotten in touch with me a few times to hang out since the breakups, but it does not happen often. When it does though, it's a lot like old times. We still get along great, can talk about any and everything, and I hope we will always be friends. I saw Andy a couple days ago, and even though he normally doesn't say much to me when he sees me out and about, we hung out for about an hour and he acted quite nice.

I am now dating Matt Twine, who I have been with since August 28th, which was also the day of "ByrdFest 2010" at Uncle EJ's house. He is...surprisingly sweet. He has a vibe about him that pretty much blasts "FUCK YOU" from a thousand miles away. Underneath all that though, he's actually a very caring person, to those he is close to. Somehow he decided I was worthy of that intense affection, and I'm still not really sure how it happened. He says he loves me and I try to believe it, but after the past year, I'm still wary. As a girl I know put it, I trust with one eye open. He has given me no reason to distrust him so far, and I have been open and honest with him in return. He knows all my faults, all my flaws, and all my silly little insecurities and frustrations. He knows how I feel about Colby, how much I am still affected by Nana's death, he knows that I can't stand staying at home with Cam and Conner. But he has never once judged me, and he cares about me and still wants me around even though that means having to deal with all of my baggage. It is impossible for me not to love him for being so kind and understanding. But I'm not stupid. I have hope, but I am scared. All things come to an end eventually, and all I can do is try my hardest to keep this from bursting into flames like everything else in my life has.

I could say more about what's goin on, but I think I've said enough for now. Maybe more later.

Y'all have a great day.

So, I totally feel like I missed out on some great opportunities with Max when he was here.

I feel like I never was around enough, didn't day enough how much I cared, didn't listen enough, didn't take enough advantage of the time we had together.

Mom is already telling people (Lori Burgess, etc), that I am getting married. I'm not even dating him and she's telling people some crazy mess like that. I guess cuz that's what she wants to happen. It's not that I don't care about Max, cuz I do...I'm just REALLY not ready for anything even close to a permanent relationship, or a relationship at all at this point. She keeps telling me that I will miss him so much that by the time he comes home I will be ready to marry him. LOL.

The good news about that is that he said that the latest he should be home is April 7, 2008. This is subject to change because after all, we are talking about the Army, and when do they ever do things at the time they say they are going to do them? The bad news is that he thought the FOB he was going to was going to have phones. It DID have phones until recently, but they are no longer there at this specific juncture of time. He said that more "should" be put in within the next few weeks, but again we are talkin about the Army, so who knows? It just sucks cuz I was used to talkin to him pretty much at least once a day. Sometimes more than that. Yesterday he called 3 times: at 2:30 AM, 8:30 AM, and 4:15 PM. But he said that because he was about to leave for the FOB, he would no longer be able to call until they get the phones installed again. He told me not to worry about him, but to know that I will be on his mind and his motivation for coming home safely. It just is damn near impossible not to worry about him. I really miss him alot, and although I have complete faith in his abilities as a soldier, it is the unpredictable stuff that he can do nothing about that worries me. No, not worries. Scares the ever-lovin HELL out of me. I can't get him or the what could happen to him out of my head. I feel like I'm gonna go nuts not knowing that he is ok. I keep getting headaches cuz I can't stop thinking and stressing. But I'm sure everything will be fine. It has to be.

Other than that...Cam's birthday party went well. Not many people showed up, but it's ok. We had fun, anyway. The pictures are on MySpace.

Anyway, my head is killing me so I'ma get somethin to eat and go to bed. Maybe I'll get some sleep tonight. Y'all have a great day.

MUCH LOVE,
~*Mandi*~

Soooo....Tex came home on leave. He stayed here for 4 days and then I went with him to Florida. His family is seriously AWESOME.
We talked alot. He loves me. He wants to take care of Cameron and me. I learned a lot about him, too. And he learned some new things about me, too. Some of it that I thought he already knew.
I just feel like now we've gotten so close and he had to up and leave again. God I really hope he doesn't get hurt. So far he's been really lucky, only 3 minor injuries. I've been like, crazy since he left. I really feel like I'm not right in the head anymore. It's an odd feeling. I'm super emotional in every way. It seems like my emotions get agitated over every little thing. Like I'm...jumpy...or something. Not jumpy, really, but I can't find a word for it. Extraordinarily sensitive, I guess.
On a lighter note. Cameron turned one year old on Thursday (yesterday)!!! YAYY! His party is Sunday. I'm kinda pissed cuz after all the bitchin Anthony did about having his cousin make the cake, it turned out to not be enough. It is a cute cake, shaped like a bear, but WAAYYY too small. And it sucks cuz I was gonna order one on Thursday (cuz that's cake day at food lion!) but he bitched so much that Crystal's cake was gonna be good enough that I didn't. ARG!!! Oh well. Gotta go in the morning to the community building to start setting up and seeing what else I need to get before Sunday. This is the first party I've ever thrown! I'm excited but nervous. What if it doesn't turn out well?
See? Everything is getting to me. I feel REALLY agitated right now and I've been sittin here by myself. I wonder what this is called?

So, by now I guess just about everybody I know has heard. Anthony finally admitted what I had figured for a long time, and I went OFF. I tried to hit him in the face but he ducked his head and put his hand up. he was sitting in his car, and I was standing in the door so he couldn't shut it, and since all I could reach was his head, I just hit that...a lot. I punched him over and over until I just broke down in tears...then I started again. After that, mom came out and told me to come inside...and after a few minutes of just standing there crying I told him to get the hell away from me and to never come back.

Since then he's been calling and texting saying how sorry he is and that he knows he's an idiot but he still loves me and he misses me very much. I don't want to talk to him...I want to stop caring at all. I keep wishing I had an "off" button that I could push to stop the pain. I just can't stop thinking about it...visualizing him with whoever the other girl was. and even though I know it shouldn't matter and I shouldn't care, I can't help it. The thought leaves my mouth bitter and my stomach sick. it hurts so bad...its like he put my heart in a meat grinder and then stapled it back into my chest.

I alternate between rage and desperation. Between the urge to cry and to break everything in sight. How? Why? And he had the NERVE to come back and touch ME afterward. When just 3 DAYS AGO he pleaded with me not to leave again, that he had done nothing like that...what reason did he have to lie anymore? He swore that if he had done anything like that, he would tell me. Then I find out that he didn't tell me, even when he was begging me, crying because I did find the wrapper and confronted him. "No, that's old, from a LONG time ago...we used it...it was in my car!" Yet there were 3 missing from the drawer. Andy must have taken them when he was looking at the ping pong balls! right.

None of it makes sense. I'm too angry and hurt and confused to try to analyze all of the details....when I knew all along that there were huge gaps that I was too afraid to see. As much as I almost knew and downright expected it, I still held out hope for the best. I should have known better.

All in all, I guess I have to attribute this pain to my own faults - my own willing suspension of disbelief. I watched his performance, knowing all the while that it was just that - a performance...and like the best audience I allowed myself to suspend reality and believe that it was true. I am foolish and in my own right deserve this pain. This, however, does not make me want it any less.

He screwed up. AGAIN. For the last time. I cannot take it anymore. My heart can't stand the ache of these new and terrible crevices...and for once, I'm letting go.

OK, so...I didn't go to Florida, and I haven't talked to Anthony since he left. The reunion went ok...I ended up hangin out with Skylar, of all people.

There was a fuss because a bunch of ppl ended up not comin due to certain racial remarks and whatnot. Of course, Brooke, Brittany, and Summer couldn't come cuz they are (?) still in Cali with thier dad. Then, Cindy, Lisa, Mom, Erin, Her bf Reggie, Jenny, Rob, and Destiny didn't come because of the..difference of opinion. Other than that, it was uneventful.

This sucks tho. I know that Anthony not talkin to me is probably for the best, deep down, but I miss him so much. I'm tired of being hurt and I don't trust him one little bit, but I just love him so much that I don't want to let him go. It would kill me to know that he was with someone else. I'm not looking for anything...I don't want to start over. And who the hell would want to be with a 21 year old who has a kid and no personality? I don't do anything, it's like I don't know how to have fun anymore. I went to Jimmies with Erin, Reggie, Johnothan Shaver, Will (Reggie's roommate), Shannon Moore, and her boyfriend Brandon..and I didn't really do anything the whole night. I mean, I danced a lil just kinda jokin around...but must've seemed so boring compared to Erin and Shannon. I suppose Anthony was right about that...I'm not fun. Oh well. I have Cameron to keep me company. :)

Anywho, speakin of Cam, I think he needs to be changed so I guess I will go. Ya'll have a great day!

MUCH LOVE,
~*Mandi*~

I'm 21 years old today. Nothing has changed, and I don't have any plans. I'm stayin at home with my family where I belong and that does not bother me one little bit.

I am not going to florida with anthony's family, because chele said that if i "can't be nice about lettling brianna play with cameron" she doesn't want me to go. I haven't been mean about it. The rules that apply to that little brat apply to all the kids inmy family as well. And honestly, I don't care. Yeah, I wanted to go to Disney World, but I'm not changing my rules ragarding my son's health and safety just because other people don't like them. Their opinions don't count. I'm the one raising Cameron and therefore, I call the shots. Nobody else. Just me. If she doesn't like it then she doesn't have to be around either one of us, and then she won't have to deal with it. This is what I have been saying from the very beginning and the fact that they wouldn't listen to me before is the the reason why I don't allow Cameron to be around them much at all and even less when I am not there. People call me overprotective, but you know what? They can kiss it cuz at least I know that my son is safe and well cared for. Fuck them if they don't like it.

This does mean that I will be going to the reunion! I'm excited. If Wayne brings his boat, I fully intend to go on it with cam so he can experience his first boat ride! I also plan to bring Dawn to Jimmies, although I highly doubt that she will like it much. It's kinda...i dunno. It seems like it isn't a real classy place. Well, I mean, it isn't...obviously. It's a little bar in a redneck town so I guess there isn't much to be expected. i just feel like she deserves to go somewhere better than that. Come to think of it, I've never gone there myself just to hang out. I don't know if that says anything about the place, or if it just means that I don't have a social life.

Anywho, Cam is needing attention so I gotta go. Y'all have a fabulous day! And happy 21st to Erin, Emily and Kjell!

MUCH LOVE,
~*Mandi*~

Amy and Daphne from ECI came today to test Cam's motor skill development. His adjusted age (or the age he would be if he had been born at full term) is 6 months, 23 days and his chronological age is 9 months, 14 days. As far as his tests go, his motor skills scored at 7 and 8 months....which is really good. This means he is almost caught up. So, yay! I took him to the Pediatrician yesterday and found out he is 27 1/4 inches long and weighs 17.12 ponds. He's getting so big!!

I'm still anxious about monday...especially since Daphne said that he could regress because of it. She said that given his history he probably won't, but it is a possibility and not to get too discouraged. That makes me feel a little better, but I still can't help it.

Anywho, I gotta go for now. Y'all have a great day!

MUCH LOVE,
~*Mandi*~

There have been a lot of things on my mind lately. They are as follows: 1. Cameron has a renal ultrasound and possible surgery on Monday. 2. My hours got cut at work. 3. I can't seem to figure out why, but I've been highly emotional lately. 4. I don't know what to do about Anthony...yes, I am still struggling with it after 5 months.

1. The fact that Cam has an ultrasound does not bother me. I'm anxious to see the results. The surgery is what is getting to me. Although relatively free of risk, this is causing me quite a bit of stress because of the multiple procedures that must be done. First of all they have to put his bladder back into its normal position and close up the vesicostomy so that he will no longer pee from a hole below his belly button. Secondly, they have to put a tube up his urethra to remove the blockage. After all of that, once they are sure he can pee normally, he's getting circumcised. I have been very lucky in that Cameron is an extraordinarily happy and well-behaved baby. He rarely cries and when he does, there is almost always a good reason that is easy to figure out. What scares me is that the trauma of all of this could change him. Also...the MRSA. It could keep him from getting better and in a worst-case scenario, kill him. I don't like thinking about it, but lately it's been hard not to. I understand that he will be in the very best of care at King's Daughters...I know this from personal experience. But still, there's a nagging feeling that something could go wrong. If that happened, I don't know what I'd do. on to the next subject...

2. My most recent problem is that my hours got cut at work. Now, this doesn't worry me so much as it infuriates me. I asked for more hours because, quite frankly, 14 hours a week at $3.13 an hour just wasn't cutting it when I have bills to pay and a child to support. So, what do they do? Cut my hours in half! Doesn't that make so much sense? WTF, seriously? I mean, come on! And I've got so much goin on right now that nobody will hire me. I haven't even gotten a call-back from anywhere that I have applied. ARG!

3. Now, this may be due to all of the recent stresses, but I have found myself to be highly emotional and nostalgic lately. Also, I've been reading a lot of books to get my mind off of my problems, but most of them have dealt with loss and.or the importance of time and family and friends, so I also attribute the sensitivity to my empathy to the characters and values expressed in them. Not going into detail now, but this is what I have been reading and if you want to know what they are about you can look it up yourself. Three Weeks With My Brother by Nicholas Sparks and Micah Sparks; The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold; Dadditude by Phillip Lerman (I won that for my dad off the radio and gave it to him for Father's Day but I decided to read it myself); The Silent Twins by Marjorie Wallace, and finally, Everything and a Kite by Ray Romano. I don't know, maybe I'm just crazy. I've been thinking a lot about my past mistakes...mostly of the people (one in particular) that I have sort of left behind. My stupidity in recent years has reached an all-time high and I don't want that to ever be repeated. I need to start reaching out more, and really letting people know how much I care. I'm really worried about Tex. He's evidently been hurt, because now he is doing paperwork and they won't let him in the field. He said he's got stitches in his leg, but wouldn't say what happened. I wish he could just come home and stay home. *stop worrying......*

4. Yeah, I'm still having trouble dealing with Anthony. We had been getting along better recently, but he keeps insisting that I move in with him and we give the relationship another try. He constantly complains to me that he is bored and lonely there by himself. Why is he telling me? I don't care. I don't feel bad for him, not one bit...he did that to himself. I've told him over and over that I don't want a relationship and I don't want to live there, and if he cared that much he shoulda thought about how lonely he was gonna be while he was screwing me over. I was happy living there with him and I did EVERYTHING for him while I was there. I cooked, I cleaned, I treated him as well as I possibly could and I was really starting to see us as a real family, living together on our own and building our dreams. Then he just takes the rug out from under me, kicks me and Cameron out and just expects me to want to move back in with him later after all of that? He's got to be out of his damn mind...and I've told him so. So now he's saying that he doesn't want anything to do with me if I don't move in with him...that he loves me but if I can't do that then whatever. Honestly, what does he expect? What sucks is that I love him so damn much that I'm afraid to just let him go. I haven't gotten over what he did, and I still don't forgive either one of them. I am afraid that I never will. I have tried so hard to put it aside and start over, but I still think about it EVERY DAY. I don't know how to let go. I'm afraid that if I do tell him to go screw himself that it would be in vain and I would still struggle with the pain of it all no matter what and then what point would there be in it? I don't know...I need help. Probably professional help, but I couldn't afford that even if I knew that's what I needed.

Everyone that reads this...please tell me what you think. I love you all and I appreciate any advice. Ya'll have a great day.

MUCH LOVE,

~*Mandi*~

P.S. This is also on my Facebook and MySpace, so if you see it there you don't have to read it again if you don't want to.

I think i've figured out part of why I keep Robert and the memory of us on such a high pedestal.

He loved me. Truly, wholeheartedly, unashamedly LOVED me. That can never be replaced or retracted, though I've found that it can be diminished...which is perfectly understandable given the circumstances.

Also what worries me is that I will never find someone who will feel that strongly or that purely about me again. I still hold him and what we had in such high esteem that I can't even begin to imagine trying it again. It can never happen. Yes, I do love with Anthony. But I've lost all trust in him and therefore can never feel the same way that I once did.

Because of that, trust is a hard pressed thing to come by for me now. I'm afraid for my future and the future of my son.

It's amazing how such a simple, profound thing can be so easy to miss...it can sail right over your head and you never even notice. It's easily taken for granted but once it's gone it's like a gaping crater in your entire existence. A sinkhole, sucking everything in slowly but surely.

I've got to get out of this funk.

Something is wrong with me. I've been having this horrible feeling of nostalgia for the longest time now. I just keep thinking back to the way things use to be...missing the simplicity of a life free from real worry or responsibility. When I still had the ability to just LET GO. I miss the people, the silly conversations, the happiness that I knew almost constantly.

What happened to that girl that I once was? When did she leave and how do I get her back?

I used to be happy, all the time. Smiling, all the time. Carefree and laid-back and easy to get along with.

I worry a lot now. I'm always being told that I should smile more, be more approachable and more of a people-person. I'm bitchy and confrontational. When did this happen? When did I stop being happy and start being so cynical?

I want the depth of faith to go as far as is needed. I want everyone I know to be aware of how much I love them. I want to let go of the grudges that I've carried and learn how to trust again before it's too late.

I don't know why I'm so emotional now...lately I've cried a lot for no real reason. I'm so afraid of this nameless entity...it consumes my entire being in a cloud of uncertainty. What shall I do?

I'm a hazard to myself.

Well, my schedule has changed. I am not going with patrick cuz cam now has too much going on. However, I am going to philly for the 2nd half of my sleep study from aug 3-7. And the general plan has been that I have a ticket to go to Disney World with Anthony and his family aug 12-19, but now I don't know because he has been textin me all day sayin if I don't wanna move in with him he doesn't want anything else to do with me. It totally came from nowhere and I told im a looooonnnng time ago that I don't wanna move in with him or be in a relationship with him. It's too painful and he knows it. I told him he would have to wait a long time...at least until next year for me to even come close to making a decision like that and he said he would wait...yesterday he was fine but all of a sudden today he has all this hostility towards me. I really don't understand it. I was thinking that something must have happened but he says nothing has, he is just suddenly tired of waiting.

Why do I care so much? I don't know.

It is my parents' anniversary today and they are about to leave to go eat at Logan's Steakhouse. So, I'm gonna go to Boykins and see of I can get this straightened out. Ya'll have a great day.

MUCH LOVE,
~*Mandi*~